This article originally appears on Boston Band Crush ).
Conspiracy enthusiast chat rooms and coffee-shop meetups are buzzing worldwide after an unidentified insider with an uncannily similar appearance to a member of the rock band Mötley Crüe came forward to authorities to reveal an elaborate plot, already allegedly underway, to conduct secret experimental bioweapons testing during a Boston rock competition, the WBCN Rock ‘N’ Roll Rumble. While no one knows for sure who initiated the test, fingers have been pointed at a number of possibe sources including aliens, the Federal Government, and avid philatelists. In fact, some watchdog groups believe that all three are involved.
What is certain is that disproportionately large numbers of Boston rockers have come down with bizarre symptoms including delusions that the judging in the Rumble was unfairly biased against them, that their set was divinely inspired, and that their songs are the best of the artists involved in the competition. Additionally, some have developed hacking coughs, snot-fountain noses, and high fevers, many reaching temperatures as high as 104.1 degrees.
CDC scientists are working around the clock to determine the cause. Thus far, these symptoms cannot be positively associated with a specific contagion, but it is believed that the Whiskey-Bravo-Charlie-November Virus — named for its discovery team, the month that it was first isolated, and the alcohol they were consuming at the time — may be responsible. Disease-control expert Willy Getsik warns that “anyone who may have had exposure to the #Rumble illness, either through direct contact or staying up late constantly hitting refresh on Twitter or Boston Band Crush to find the results of a particular night should follow a very specific protocol to prevent further effects of the illness.” Getsik goes on to suggest that the safest possible approach to dealing with exposure is to attend the Rumble finals tomorrow night and hope that one or more of The Luxury, The Dirty Truckers, and Gene Dante and the Future Starlets can rock the disease right out of your body.
When asked to comment on the situation, one band member said, “cough-cough-cough, chhhhhhhhhh………..chhhhhhhhhhh…….cough, cough,” and then spit out a glowing ball of an unidentified yellow-green semi-liquid. WBCN DJ Anngelle Wood had a different take, cackling wildly, “I have almost infected all of the Boston rock scene, soon I shall take over the world!!! Hey, is that microphone on?”